I will forever find similarities between the ocean and grief.
Grief can be all consuming. Surrounding you in a dangerous way. Making it hard to breath, focus or feel any hope. There are types of waves like types of grief. There is the initial tidal wave. All consuming and overwhelming. it drowns everything in sight covering it with pain. That’s what losing a baby is like. You don’t think of anything else. You can’t. You’ve made plans, arrangements and already have so many hopes and dreams for that little one you are carrying within you. The loss rips those out from underneath you like the water washing away all those prints you’ve made in the sand. Suddenly it’s all gone.
Next for me was the more gentle but still ever present rise and fall of the waves. The repetitive in and out. You feel ok and then you don’t feel ok. Back and forth onto the shore and back out. You have a few days of distractions followed by a newborn announcement on Facebook. You just about forget the water is there and then it’s back in again. Just long enough to take a deep breath.
Just like the ocean grief has sneaker waves. They are the most shocking for me. They come from no where. Out of shallow seemingly calm waters. All of a sudden you are assaulted and drug underneath the wave. Just begging for the pain to stop. I’ve had a few of these moments. During a happy trip to Target to look for movies to buy with Matt. We walked past the infant section and it was too much. There were the cutest dresses, tutu and bows I’ve ever seen. All the things I should have been buying for my daughter. An old friend at the grocery store congratulated us on our “little bambino” it had been weeks since she had been gone. A month or so ago a former co-worker looked around for our baby when she saw us at the store. I will be living my life getting by the best I can and those quiet vicious waves continue without warning.
I assume it will go on like this for years. The sneaker waves becoming less frequent and violent but still present. You never get over the death of your baby. You simply do the best you can and keep moving forward even if you are treading water you are still swimming.